To me love and loss are so closely intertwined and I had a chance to experience both within a 2 1/2 month time span. And rather than beat around the bush, just I'm going to come out and say it, I had a miscarriage, one of life's ultimate examples of love and loss.
Like the thousands, maybe millions of women who have gone through a miscarriage, I feel weird just "putting it out there". And while some may disagree and feel that a miscarriage is a private matter (and I agree to a certain point) I also feel like women (and the men and partners in their lives) still suffer in silence.
I had my miscarriage Oct 15, 2011, it was our first pregnancy and it has changed my life forever in both good and sad ways. I can't explain why, but I knew from the minute I realized I was having a miscarriage that I wanted to write about it. I remember lying in my bed when "everything" started (and if you have had a miscarriage you know what I mean by everything), and wondered "what to do next". And I know this sounds crazy, I'll totally admit it and I don't usually hear "voices", but this little voice in my head said, "you could write about it". And then for the next month everything was blur and as I pulled myself together about mid November I started thinking about all the women I had shared my miscarriage news with and about the stories they shared with me. And I remember thinking, "holy crap, if all of these women I know so well have gone through this and I had no idea, I wonder how many more women are suffering, handling or recovering from a miscarriage".
I know it's not the type of news you post on facebook or share with the cashier at the local Stop and Shop, but I had friends, yoga teachers, cousins, other family members and neighbors who all came crawling out of the wood work eager to share their stories about their miscarriages. But as it was happening to me I felt like the only woman in the world to have gone through this (ok, so sometimes I'm a little self involved, but who isn't).
I remember thinking as women, as a society what if we talked more about this. I mean I had fantastic midwives, who were so caring and loving and let me cry and ask questions and sit there like someone had just hit me over the head with a giant brick (which by the way is exactly how it felt to me), but no one ever told me what my body might do during a miscarriage, what to expect and that it could happen to me! I'm someone who eats well, exercises and is generally a healthy person. And yes, I know anything can happen to anyone, I get it and of course, if I had sat down with my midwife for my first prenatal visit and she told me all about miscarriages, I'd probably want to hit her over the head with the speculum. But, I wish there was a way to find a happy medium so that if a miscarriage happens you know what your body may be doing and you also know you are not a failure and did not do anything wrong (it takes a while for that to sink in even though everyone tells you a thousand times).
We have groups for pregnant moms, breast feeding, parenting, they even have classes for how to integrate your dog and your new baby (I'm not kidding and yes I was going to sign up for it because our dog is our "first baby", yup, I'm "one of those" and I don't care). Anyway, no one offered me flyer for a class about handling a miscarriage. Maybe some people don't need it or don't think they need it, but I'm going to disagree. After a while all I wanted to do was talk about it and after the miscarriage when people asked me about having kids or if we were thinking of becoming pregnant and I told them that we had miscarried they all got this look on their face like I had asked for their first born. I know it was sympathy, but they would begin to squirm and tell me "it was probably for the best, the baby wasn't developing right". Just a word of advice, if you ever come across someone who drops the miscarriage news on you don't say that, that line never gave me comfort, it made me feel like my genetics were bad and my baby wasn't strong enough. Just say you're sorry for their loss and they have a little angle now.
And I have an awesome angel story that happened right after the miscarriage and I'll share it in a future blog.
I bet there are a lot of women out there with crazy things that people said to them after their miscarriage and the thing I figured out (after the cloud of anger lifted, which really didn't have anything to do with them, I just needed someone to be mad a for a while) is miscarriage is a foreign thing to people. You can't blame them, especially if they have never gone through one. Think about it, try to wrap your head around grieving for someone you never knew, but they existed..... It's weird, so while it's ok to be frustrated with the weird things people may say, cut them some slack they just don't know what to do.
I do have two funny stories about getting mad at people (unfortunately for my husband he's one of the two people).
A week after the miscarriage I went back to work at the dental office I work at part time. The first week back FOUR, yes four patients asked me if I was planning on having kids. I couldn't believe it, I think God was testing me to see how long it took before I cracked. Anyway, this one particular woman, asked me about kids, she already knew that I work part time as a dental hygienist and part time as a holistic nutritionist. When I politely told her we would have kids "in good time". She said, "well, you're to career oriented to have kids anyway". I had my back to her because I was washing my hands and I stood there thinking, "I have two choices, I can fill my hands with water, throw it at her and scream that I had miscarried a week ago and probably loose my job. Or, I could politely turn and force a smile. I choose the latter, only because we have a mortgage to pay.
The second story occurred a few days after the miscarriage, I was in the kitchen cooking (cooking is theraputic for me) and had my ipod blaring Miley Sirus "Party in the USA". Yes, I'm going to admit that after the miscarriage I downloaded all the Miley Cyrus, Nelly, Flo Rida and Justin Bieber I could. I'm not sure why, but hip hop and rap music are only types of music I can work out to (and apparently cook to). Bob, my husband, came in to ask me something and I answered in a snotty tone and he said, in a joking way "whatever, just go back to your Miley Cyrus". Well, that's all it took, I was in full on tears, with a knife in my hand, yelling that I couldn't believe he would make fun of me at a time like this (keep in mind the week after a miscarriage your hormones are going NUTS)!
No, I did not attempt to attack him and yes, I laugh about it now.
That was also the night I decided I needed a therapist to talk to about my miscarriage.
